I don’t always have a good memory when recalling events, especially recalling emotions but I remember everything I felt that day. I remember every detail of that day. I remember the sounds, the smells. The pain. It’s burned in my head.
William should be two today. He would be having a blast outside with his older brothers and sister playing in the fort. He would be running to me to tell me of all the things he found. But he’s not. He’s laying in his grave not far from where I sit right now.
He was beautiful. He was perfect. And he’s gone. And it fucking hurts.
I have so many blogs in my head that I feel the need to write but just can’t seem to get them done. Being a wife, mom and business owner I rarely have time to write, and really, unless you are a professional writer no one really does. But time isn’t the real obstacle here. Focus is.
I am really good at starting blogs. But then I get to a point of where do I go from here? How do I wrap up my thoughts? I lose my focus and add another post to my draft mode collection and move on to my next thought.
I think I’ll work on mini blogs and quit trying to create novels. You will just have to read them all.
I have an old FB page I no longer use but on occasion I come across screenshots of it. Today I was reminded of a post from July 5, 2013. I no longer recall the conversation, but my reply resonates here today. And it reminded me that these struggles are not new. People have been trying to bully and harass us long before the day I finally put my foot down.
“Yesterday a stalker found it fit to come harass me on my FB page. I didn’t feel she deserved an explanation of her accusations, but felt since I am a very open person, I was making an open response.
First off anyone who would actually be reading this is aware we pay child support. My husband is current on child support and our issue back in January was a missed court date we had not been aware of.
I do complain about both simple and complex rules. I disagree that I have to register my personal property with the state. Whether it be a tv, a toaster, a vehicle, or even my self or my children. I feel it is unjust, and unconstitutional to have such laws and regulations.
I will say the statist mantra of “if you don’t like it, leave”, is tiresome. Seriously. If I force myself into your home, lay down a bunch of rules that benefit me, and threaten anyone who disobeys, will you just move? An animal doesn’t become free by changing its cage.
It was also said that people like me don’t deserve to live here. I wonder what makes her so qualified to A: deserve to live here and B: decide that I don’t. If she was truly a supporter of liberty as she claims to be, she would allow me the privilege of speaking out against a tyrannical government.
Which is what I “DO” for this country. I stand up for what is wrong, even when it puts my family in a position to be verbally and even physically attacked by those who see my words and actions as a threat to their government security blanket.
I was also accused of being on government welfare. While I have received private assistance, I have not received government welfare of any kind since 2000? when I was last on WIC. We are still accepting donations of cash and/or goods. But I won’t hold a gun to anyone’s head to get it.
I have used state assistance, before I had the convictions I have now. I have done many things I would not do now. Just because I have done something in my past doesn’t mean I cannot speak out against doing them now. I use to smoke cigarettes, I smoked pot and even did LSD in my late teens early 20’s. Does that mean I cannot tell others of the dangers of engaging in such behaviors? We are to learn from our mistakes and help others do the same.
Of course the insults continued, but she was concerned about whether we are paying our child support and whether or not I (we) work. My financials status is not her concern, but since I am being upfront, we are current on our child support payments, (and will be at our end soon as the child turns 18 in 4 months) and I work 36-40 hours a week grooming dogs.
And the inevitable CPS talk. Seems that’s a wonderful tool for those what oppose the political and philosophical views of people with children. For the record, the last time CPS was at my door was 2 years ago, when we told them to get off our property without a warrant. We lived in that house for 18 months after that incident. I really wish people would get their facts before they start spewing hateful lies. My children are happy and healthy and anyone who interacts with them knows this.
Sadly, this person has some serious vanity and denial issues. I had removed her from my friends list last Nov/Dec when I did a large purge of people I no longer wished to associate with. She had a hard time accepting or even believing this, and was convinced my posts were directed at her.
I post what’s on my mind with little concern about who may be offended. Because everything I post will offend someone in some way.
It’s a shame that this post that was supposed to be about the effects of PTSD was turned into an emotional outburst of her dislike of my family instead of addressing the issues of the solders she claims to support.
I know by posting publicly I open myself for attack, but this is how we share truth and information. I am not afraid. I will continue to speak my mind about the issues I am passionate about. And I will continue to be upfront to those who try to sling mud when they don’t like the message.”
I’ve lived in Breckinridge County since December of 2011. It’s a small county, no big towns, it’s quiet and peaceful as far as a community goes. But like most small communities there is also the “good ole boy” dynamic. It’s not usually an issue for me as I keep to myself and don’t care to be involved in the affairs of others, but at times these situations do have an impact on my life.
It’s no secret I have great disdain for the Breckinridge County Sheriff, Jerome Todd Pate. For about 15 years now I’ve been outspoken about police corruption, thin blue line protection and the violation of liberties at the hands of a police state. It just so happens that in this small community we have a corrupt sherrif who is known for violating the rights of the citizens and a county that depends on the criminal system to fund their jobs.
In 2014 Sheriff Todd Pate tried to flex his authority to usurp my rights. I held my ground but we did compromise at some point. We knew we were in the right, but we were scared.
In 2015 Sheriff Todd Pate was more arrogant and aggressive in his actions towards my family. He knew he was being recorded and still didn’t care that his actions were being documented. He knew it didn’t matter, what would some low income family do to him? He was the sheriff after all. Even with my evidence of him violating my constitutional rights and ignoring his oath, he knew the state would protect him. And they did.
In October of 2015 Todd Pate threatened to kill his family. His wife called for help. A warrant was put out for his arrest. He was found several hours away sitting in a parking lot drunk with his service weapon.
He got a slap on the wrist, made some pathetic apologies to the citizens and won his re-election.
A Kentucky State Police officer noted in the arrest report, the sheriff had made “threats to law enforcement,” was “armed,” “driving recklessly” and had an “active warrant” out for his arrest. That officer reported he saw the sheriff drinking beer in his vehicle, and noted on the arrest slip, the sheriff had an open beer in the center console.
The sheriff pleaded guilty and was sentenced to 30 days in jail and twelve months on probation
Due to the situation with the sheriff in 2015, we had a group of individuals who targeted us because they felt “we embarrassed their county” and they worked to set us straight. They stalked, harassed and threatened us. We would take these matters to the sherrif who said “ since you were not happy with our decisions in 2015 you need to call another agency” Well there is no other agency. It’s the responsibility and duty of the Sheriffs department to uphold their oath regardless of personal opinions. And while many people only wish to speak privately, it’s not an isolated incident for Todd Pate to refuse to render aid to individuals he has differences with. For the past 4 years Todd Pate has refused to investigate any crime we present to him. 91CB62F8-E197-4261-9FB2-B037F54E5F04 Even when we called in for situations they have not shown up, such as the day we reported people driving drunk on our road. (Recorded the man admitting he was drunk, guess now we know why, was likely his drinking buddy) we believe the Sheriff allows these crimes to go unaddressed because he personally benefits from them. The goal is to distract from the countys corruption.
People aren’t seeing the bigger picture. Abuse of authority, financial gain (the county judge has admitted the county gains a lot of its funds through the courts and the jail, they are quite boastful about it. The county also benefits from Title IV-E funding.
This is more than some low income hippy lady and her fat lazy husband with too many kids embarrassing the community. They wouldn’t work so hard to keep us quiet if that was the case. Our case picked the scab off an oozing sore.
And for years we thought this was going to be swept under the rug. That the corruption was just a random situation. That people would forget and move on.
Untill March. Todd Pate once again exposed himself and the county. A woman called in reports of a possible intoxicated driver who was swerving, falling asleep and a threat to everyone on and off the road it seemed. A local city police officer responded to that call and didn’t notice anything unusual. The police chief said “sometimes you miss things”
There are only two possibilities here. The officer new Todd Pate was intoxicated and knew to let him go. The other option is that the officer couldn’t recognize an intoxicated driver and let him go. Either way that man is not fit for law enforcement.
I persoanally believe that the officer was told to not arrest Todd and told Todd to “go home man.” Todd was on his way home, some 30-40 min later when he struck another vehicle carrying 4 people. At the time of the accident his BACwas .0159. Twice the legal limit.
The most concerning part to me, Todd Pate was also witnessed to be tampering with evidence when he attempted to hide beer bottles.
This may not seem important to most people, because I’ve not seen it brought up much, but he was tampering with evidence. Intoxicated or not, he knew what he was doing.
I have had enough interaction with him to know he is arrogant. He is also confident that whatever he does, he can validate his actions. This is shown by he fact after all of this. He’s at work still being sherrif. It’s not like his arrogance isn’t being validated.
Todd will lie to a judge, Ive recorded it twice. He will lie to the people. Remember this guy told his own wife he was going to kill her and her family. Those charges later dismissed it seems. He has no issue hiding evidence and his own “brothers” will cover his ass with that thin blue line.
There is more to this story. There has to be. Even with saving Clayton, Pates shining moment, he admitted to circumventing the law. While some may say the ends justify the means, that is a violation of the constitution. If Todd Pate doesn’t respect his oath, doesn’t respect his family, doesn’t respect the people who pay his salary, how can we have respect for anyone in law enforcement who supports and enables this behavior?
Todd Pate isn’t just a drunk driver. He’s a part of the corruption we have been trying to expose in Breckinridge County for 5 years.
I can say that out loud now. I can’t guarantee my voice won’t quake, or that my eyes won’t water up. But I can share my story now. It’s been hard, I wasn’t ready for those conversations. I’ve never lost anyone I was close to. I’ve had relatives pass away, acquaintances, but not a close family member. I’ve lost pets that I was closer too than I was most people.
Until William. I didn’t even really know William. I never saw him smile or heard him laugh. He never saw my face. He never lived outside of my body. He and I knew each other on a different level and his death was the most emotionally and physically painful thing I’ve ever experienced.
At times I wanted to die with him. I’m grateful for my husband and children who helped me through it. It hurt. I cried randomly for months. Still do. They say it gets easier, I think you just get use to this new you.
Its less common now, but it still happens that I run into someome I haven’t seen for a while and they ask about the baby. I recall one day about a month after William was still born I was checking out at a store I shop at regularly. After I had paid another cashier saw me and said hello and asked me if I had a boy or a girl. I literally just walked out, knowing if I said a word I would have broken down. I apologized to her the next time I saw her.
When I do tell people he was stillborn they offer sympathy and apologize for bringing it up. I appreciate the sympathy but I don’t ever want William to be forgotten or to be a tabu subject.
I wanted to do something to remember William since the day of his stillbirth. A year before William a friend lost her babies shortly after birth. I watched and observed it all and took everything in. I was deeply affected by her losses. When I lost William I knew the things I wanted to do. Be sure to get lots of photos. Foot prints. A foot and hand cast. Things that are time sensitive. When you are holding a stillborn most parents don’t even think about photos or think they will be too emotionally painful to take. Or that they are morbid. As soon as William was born the nurse called the Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep photographer as we had talked about it that day during labor. They did a foot and hand cast which didn’t take unfortunately. We got his footprints. I wish I had gotten his hand prints and for some reason we didn’t. But I have a ton of photos of him that we took that day. And some beautiful ones the photographer took. We also have some other sentimental items.
I wanted to do a few other things. I couldn’t bring myself to it. I knew exactly what I wanted to do. But I couldn’t do it. I was held back by my emotional walls. It wasn’t time. I knew that. But I felt guilty about it.
William’s things sit above my bed in a special place. I have some items I brought home from the hospital. He was buried in the special outfit and blanket I bought him and we returned or donated the rest. The children like to take care of his gravesite, which is on our property. I walked up there a few times but never made it to his spot. They have told me about it. Under a beautiful cedar tree. My husband says sometimes he finds little toys and decorations up there. It’s really sweet.
A few months ago I was up on the hill helping with a project. My husband reminded me William was just past the bend. I still wasn’t ready. I need to be. I tell myself “damn it, just go already!” But I didn’t go.
One year and 9 months exactly. Not planned. Just coincidence. But I went up there. I have wanted to plants flowers for him, it was my intention from the beginning. My family offered to do it for me, but I wanted to do it myself. This was his gravesite that day I finally went.
Zachary made the sign the day they buried William. I will have the stone carved one day. They aren’t anything special to begin with but they were chosen for him, and they are his now. I felt sadness and peace. Joe and I went shopping and bought plants, and garden stones. I cried almost the entire time.
We planted a shrub on the back side of the grave and some sprawling perennials on the top.
We recently made some changes on the homestead layout and with my emotional healing I’m able to visit Willams grave more. It’s an important part of my journey to find my peace. Being able to create a space for William myself has been therapeutic for me. With my other issues nearly resolved I’m able to work through the emotional trauma I’ve endured the past few years.
I also have something special planned for his second birthday coming up in July. The more things I do, the more at peace I feel. I still miss him every day. His presence is missed by all of us.
As I think back, I can recognize that I’ve always struggled with communicating my thoughts and feelings correctly. I don’t always understand or recognize my emotions. I tend to keep things to myself. I do I have trouble communicating so that others can understand me. I’m better at writing, but I still don’t feel understood. I’m quite opinionated tho, so that just makes things more complicated.
I enjoy writing. Most of what I write never gets published. What was published was more of an online journal, The Homestead Journal I did on our family blog. BlessedLittleHomestead.com. Even tho I enjoyed the homestead blog, I feel it’s ran it’s course for the time being. It will be kept up, and at times we will contribute to it.
I want to focus on writing for myself. Not that I don’t enjoy writing about my family, but right now I will just keep those little snippets of daily life on Instagram. This blog is for me to write unprompted, random posts. Where I can write with no expectations and no defensiveness. Where I can put the thoughts and share the stories I feel like sharing publicly. It’s as simple as that.
While I write a lot about my life and family, I also have a private side. And my personal circle is very tight. Especially now. The past 4 years really showed me that you can’t trust anyone.
I had an online friend. We clicked and we were at the point we talked often, messaging back and forth several times a day. Our friendship began just before a very trying time in my life. And I vented to her a lot. She vented to me as well. We both trusted each other.
Time went by and a few years later, out of the blue she blocked me. No explanation. Just gone. It hurt. I’ll admit that.
Then a year or so after that the unimaginable happened. An exerpt from our conversations was posted all over the Internet. I felt so betrayed. It was during a very vulnerable time for me and it was done so to try and bring harm to me and my family. I never thought she would do that, even after our friendship ended.
Kind of a shitty thing for me to say, I admit. I think most parents have a moment where they feel defeated as a parent. A Fuck It moment.
That’s where I was at that point. Under immense stress and felt comfortable talking to my friend about my little annoyances and frustrations.
Context is also important. My friend and I had a lot in common and we talked about a lot of issues. Vaccines and health, homeschool, LDS life, marriage, motherhood and a general dislike for society as a whole.
I’m not sharing these to shame, only to show the whole context of the conversation. And don’t act like you don’t have these same types of conversations with anyone, I know you do.
You can tell by the typing I would chat while I was doing other things and outside of my family it pretty much the only adult conversation I had other than another friend I texted.
After that last comment we moved into another topic and that was it. Both friends expressing frustrations of things and offering advice and empathy to the situation.
I’m doing better now than I was at that point. I can see things better now. Looking back, my husband was not feeling well, physically and emotionally, my children were stressed because they picked up on our emotions. And in reality things weren’t all that bad. Just lifes struggles. It’s hard when one person holds a different religious or philosophical view point than their spouse. It was the beginning of me leaving the church. I was frustrated with work. I was frustrated with the world. I also see how much I put on my friend by constantly venting to her. I don’t mind friends venting to me. I am a great listener. But not everyone is like that. And for her, it probably became to much.
I don’t vent to anyone much. I keep things bottled up. I have distanced myself from more people. It’s probably not a healthy solution but at least I don’t become a burden on anyone else. Instead I post snarky memes, write blogs that usually aren’t published and make my husband listen to all of my rants.
If you aren’t familiar with my back story you will just have to be patient, but for the past several years a group of individuals have become obsessed with destroying my family and my livelihood and shutting me up. I tried to remind them that if an armed sherrif didnt shut me up, some insignificant minions sure as hell won’t. A while back one of the locals, Al Wilson, told me to “bring it bitch”. I’m not a bring it kind of gal, I’m a matter of fact person. I take what I have and I work with it. So don’t empower me unless you are ready for it. Apparently he wasn’t.. but he has useful idiot minions. And I’m not saying this just to be rude, I am also pointing out that the education levels of these minions is obviously lacking here. But that’s what makes them good little minions.
I’ve recieved numerous threats, I’ve been stalked, followed, intimidated and bullied. I’ve stood up to them every time. I’ve done all I can to rise above it, not perfectly of course.
A few weeks ago a local minion once again came over to my FB page to make an ass of himself, and to send a message… get out of town. Travis Metcalf not only posted on my pages, (my homestead page and my page for this blog) but he has been harassing us on the roads. For the past few years, and more agreessivly in the past 6-8 months.
Travis fucks with me on the road while I’m driving. He will literally stop his vehicle in front of me. This is one such incident. I work long hours and leave before Travis does and I’m usually home long after him, but on occasion we will be on the road at the same time.
Another incident a few years ago, Travis was going so fast over the speed bumps his spare tire fell out of the back of his truck
And just a few weeks ago he stopped my husband in the road. He took a video of himself-blocking the road a good distance from the mailboxes he claimed to be at.
This is just one of the aspects of the current harassment I’m dealing with. Another minion, Bethany Long, has also been recently active. She focuses on my business. She’s the one flipping off the camera back in December, about 4 months ago.
A few weeks ago she came over to my business FB page (FB seems to be their favorite and easiest way of communicating with me, which is one reason I’m focusing more on my websites)
Bethany claims she is disabled and cannot walk, yet I have this video of her at 2am walking around outside my business flipping off my camera.
I was a bit curious with her coming over to my business page, but I’ve been observing her odd behavior for 4 years now, so I’m unfortunately not surprised by it. She began what I call “drunk posting” back when I first opened my salon in 2015. She later aligned herself with the psycho trolls and earned her minion badge. I found out on Saturday that Bethany is not paralyzed and is in fact grooming again. So the attack on my page and the stalking of my business was just part of her attempt to disrupt my livelihood to benefit herself, and earn some minion cookies.
So what does this all have to do with each other? Bethany Long and Travis Metcalf are part of the group that has been aggressively trying to shut me up. They are connected. They are part of the Al Wilson/Sally Davis/Lisa Luthi bullshit.
4 years ago I stood up to a corrupt sheriff. Some locals didn’t like it. Even now, these people are still defending his behavior. Travis Metcalf is so upset over my lifestyle choices that he is literally harassing my family, yet he supports the sherrif who was recently arrested for .159 DIU, 2nd offense, hit a woman driver and was hiding beer bottles when the police arrived. This just shows the vitriol.
Read More here —->https://nicolenaugler.com/sheriff-todd-pate-duis-and-breckinridge-county/
I’m going to say this once more for the people in the back and the ones up front who lack the brain cells to process what I’m saying.
This isn’t an idle threat. I’m protecting my family from this insanity. I don’t know much about my biological father except his Irish decent.. I’m going to adopt this as a gentle reminder of why I keep telling people to leave me alone. There’s a part of me that is just a wee bit nuts… I am letting people know, we need to leave that dormant.
I wish they, all of them, would just move on. I’ve done everything I can to avoid a situation I don’t want to be in. But if someone puts our safety in danger or tries to set us up, I won’t hesitate. And their attempt of trying to intimidate me into silence, to keep me from exposing the corruption and collusion, it won’t work. I was quieting down.. but now. Now I feel it’s time to speak louder. And I have been these past few weeks.
Every time they get pissed off at me they go after my husband, it’s easy to make the man look like a bad guy when he’s protecting his family. The county attorney even filed charges on my husband for goats he didn’t even own, and for compost on property tjatusnt in his name. This is all in my name.. so why are they so afraid of me? It’s image control.
I don’t care who you think you know, who’s actions you are trying to cover up, or how you think you can benefit from taking me down. I am not going anywhere, and certainly not quietly. I will write my blogs. I will expose what happened to my family.. every bit of it. I’m so tired of this bullshit.
By the way… did you hear Kentucky just passed the conceal carry laws. I’m going to assume all of them are carrying and they should assume the same about me.
It’s no secret that I have disdain for Sheriff Todd Pate. He violated my rights on two separate occasions, abusing his authority. The second time he and his deputy assaulted me, and kidnapped my children. The effects of his actions left lasting scars on my family, my children. For that alone I feel he should have been removed from office. I admit, part of me wants him to suffer.
His actions towards my family are not the only concerns we the community have with Sheriff Todd Pate. There are many complaints about Pate and his office not upholding their responsibilities. I have personally witnessed the sheriffs department refusal to address criminal matters. When making a report one day, Todd Pate leaned into my camera to make it clear that because of my complaints of his decisions in May of 2015, I needed to call someone else.
In October of 2015, a warrent for Sheriff Pate was issued based on his wife’s statement that Pate threatened to kill her, her family and himself. Pate was found some 60 miles away, sitting drunk in his vehicle with his service weapon on the seat. He was arrested, charged with DUI, reckless driving and 5 counts of terroristic threats. The latter charges were dismissed and the DUI charge resulted in Pate with an $800 fine and a suspended 30 day jail sentence. He also took alcohol and drug education class. In hindsight maybe that clas should be required before you become sheriff. He wrote an apology and much of the community forgave him, giving him another free pass and not holding him to the high standards law enforcement should be held.
I admit I was surprised to see Todd Pate run for re-election, not because I doubted his arrogance but because I thought the Democrats would choose a different candidate. But they didn’t.
Todd Pate was re-elected. I am not a voter but I would have voted for a candidate that I felt would have been a safer choice for my family. Unfortunately the republicans didn’t provide that and their candidate was promoting a police state, and we here in Breckinridge county don’t need that. That is the reason Todd Pate won re-election.
Last Friday, Sheriff Todd Pate was arrested for the second time in 3 years. He had a .159 blood alcohol level and hit a woman head on, then hit a pole and a ended up in a fence. Some sources reported that Pate was found in the woods, presumably trying to hide beer cans. There are also reports of Pate having been stopped earlier that day. According to Irvington Police Chief, Irvington PD did have an interaction in which Pate was stopped at a local gas station several hours prior to the accident and the officer had no reason to believe that Pate was intoxicated or otherwise unable to drive safely. I am in the process of getting the dispatch reports.
In Kentucky a .159 blood alcohol level on a second offense is an aggravated DUI. This means double the fine and double the jail time. There is no information available yet pertaining to additional charges, but I expect reckless driving and possibly a charge for hiding evidence and a wanton endangerment charge which could be an additional misdemeanor charge or even a felony, depending on the facts of the accident and the injuries sustained by the victim. We won’t know anything until after Breckinridge County Attorney Bradley Butler and Commonwealth Attorney Rick Hardin make their decisions based on State Trooper Joey Beasley, who is investigating that incident.
At this time Pate is in the Hardin County Detention Center. He is in solitary confinement as to be expected. He is also under suicide watch.
As I said, Todd Pate inflicted quite a bit of emotional damage to my family. And I want him to pay for that. But I also see he’s inflicted quite a bit of emotional damage to his own family. And I think that is tragic. I feel empathy for his children and their mother. I feel empathy for him, even tho I don’t want to.
I grew up with an alcoholic. My dad is a very kind person, especially when drunk. But I’ve also seen the angry drunks. I don’t know Todd Pate’s personal life and I won’t presume, but he’s been suicidal twice that we are aware and he’s obviously not concerned about taking others out with him. I’ve heard many people testify he’s a great guy, and maybe he is. Until you challenge his authority.. then he’s not so nice. Just because he doesn’t become elevated doesn’t mean he isn’t agressive.
I hope he gets the treatment he needs. I hope his family can heal. I only know him in his professional capacity but I know how he made me feel. I know what he did to me. And I’m still recovering. I still have anxiety attacks from what he did to me. Nothing in my life ever had that impact on me untill Todd Pate slammed my pregnant belly against his car and took my sons.. all because I asked him for, begged him, and demanded a warrant.
I also hope he never steps foot back in Breckinridge County or any other county as a law enforcement officer. I fully support a black list of officers who have violated law. I also fully support a bill that automatically makes any crime an aggravated crime when committed by a law enforcement office or any other public official.
I will personally be contacting the fiscal court and the governors office regarding Sheriff Pates removal from office if he doesn’t voluntarily resign.
*To learn more about the incidents referenced above please visit my family blog at
“Remember that every act of government ultimately reduces to an act of violence against person and property. When you see the word regulation, think of cops with clubs and tasers. Think of fines, courtrooms, jails. These are the essentials means by which government operates to control society. Why not give freedom a chance?” ~ Jeffrey A. Tucker