While I write a lot about my life and family, I also have a private side. And my personal circle is very tight. Especially now. The past 4 years really showed me that you can’t trust anyone.
I had an online friend. We clicked and we were at the point we talked often, messaging back and forth several times a day. Our friendship began just before a very trying time in my life. And I vented to her a lot. She vented to me as well. We both trusted each other.
Time went by and a few years later, out of the blue she blocked me. No explanation. Just gone. It hurt. I’ll admit that.
Then a year or so after that the unimaginable happened. An exerpt from our conversations was posted all over the Internet. I felt so betrayed. It was during a very vulnerable time for me and it was done so to try and bring harm to me and my family. I never thought she would do that, even after our friendship ended.
Kind of a shitty thing for me to say, I admit. I think most parents have a moment where they feel defeated as a parent. A Fuck It moment.
That’s where I was at that point. Under immense stress and felt comfortable talking to my friend about my little annoyances and frustrations.
Context is also important. My friend and I had a lot in common and we talked about a lot of issues. Vaccines and health, homeschool, LDS life, marriage, motherhood and a general dislike for society as a whole.
I’m not sharing these to shame, only to show the whole context of the conversation. And don’t act like you don’t have these same types of conversations with anyone, I know you do.
You can tell by the typing I would chat while I was doing other things and outside of my family it pretty much the only adult conversation I had other than another friend I texted.
After that last comment we moved into another topic and that was it. Both friends expressing frustrations of things and offering advice and empathy to the situation.
I’m doing better now than I was at that point. I can see things better now. Looking back, my husband was not feeling well, physically and emotionally, my children were stressed because they picked up on our emotions. And in reality things weren’t all that bad. Just lifes struggles. It’s hard when one person holds a different religious or philosophical view point than their spouse. It was the beginning of me leaving the church. I was frustrated with work. I was frustrated with the world. I also see how much I put on my friend by constantly venting to her. I don’t mind friends venting to me. I am a great listener. But not everyone is like that. And for her, it probably became to much.
I don’t vent to anyone much. I keep things bottled up. I have distanced myself from more people. It’s probably not a healthy solution but at least I don’t become a burden on anyone else. Instead I post snarky memes, write blogs that usually aren’t published and make my husband listen to all of my rants.